The Player

"What's next, digitally animated, straight-to- DVD spin-off films with no gameplay?" Joe Griffinreveals his videogame deal-breakers - those annoying little flaws that may prevent purchase

To paraphrase the comic Joe Rooney, buying a new videogame is like Andrew Strong . . . it's a big commitment. With new games costing anywhere from €5 to €80 (especially if you want the fancy deluxe version), it is indeed Strong-like.

I can't speak for everyone, of course, but I've found that I've developed gaming prejudices from a young age, and these usually manifest in the first questions I ask anyone who's recommending a game. As a child, nearly all of my questions were related to load time and whether a game was "multiload". Hell, it often took up to 15 minutes to load up Commodore 64, and sometimes a few minutes of loading between levels. Kids these days don't know they were born!

But deal-breakers are a deeply personal thing. What infuriates some players can be endearing to others, whether it's excess violence, bad acting or dialogue, or basic graphics. The little annoyances are as specific in gaming as they are in dating. For example, I know one motorbike fan who complained that one of the Moto GP games had the wrong noise emanating from a Suzuki engine. It was a big issue for him.

So, without further ado, here's a list of personal game deal-breakers:

- Overly lengthy animated scenes

I'm pretty tolerant of the cut scenes in videogames, even if the acting or writing isn't the best. In the likes of Bad Companyor God of War, they're pretty fun, but for this writer, the long reams of exposition in the Metal Gear Solidand Final Fantasyseries can take the proverbial. What's next, digitally animated, straight- to-DVD spin-off films with no gameplay? Oh, right, that's already happened with Resident Eviland Final Fantasy.

- Too many in-game longueurs

Yes, Hitmanand Splinter Cellare stylish and well-constructed but, man alive, how long do they expect us to crouch and do nothing? Hitmanconsists mostly of standing in a shadow and waiting. I know a lot of players enjoy the wait-and-bait style of play, but any game that you can play while comfortably drinking a cup of tea is too slow for me. The Assassin's Creedgames have the right balance.

- Too many puzzles

Puzzle games are all fine and dandy. Indeed, a handful of them are two-fisted classics (kudos to you, Tetris!). But puzzles and lengthy searches in the middle of an action game can be frustrating. Batman: Arkham Asylum, we're looking your way.

Ever since playing The Last Ninja 3as a kid (in which you have to find a key, go to a furnace, smelt it into the right shape, then find the appropriate lock), I've never embraced the "looking for keys" genre. No wonder maps and walk-throughs are so popular online.

- Button-jabbing

Note to game developers: jabbing at a button repeatedly might work for a monkey in a lab, but it never makes for enjoyable gameplay. Today's controller, mouse and keyboard have reached a  level of sophistication that means we need never pound a button again, yet developers still insist on incorporating it.

- Superfluous tasks

This is often a problem in sequels: in trying to give players more, it gives them what they don't want. The Grand Theft Autogames are a good example. By the time San Andreascame along, they had us going to the gym, shopping for different outfits (in the tradition of a Barbie doll) and bringing people out for dinner.

Frankly, if we wanted to be doing any of those things, we wouldn't be playing a videogame in the first place.