Bullying: ‘I naturally blamed myself for what was happening and turned on myself’

Over the past few weeks, The Irish Times has been covering the issue of bullying – how it affects people, the lasting impacts, and asking how we can best support those affected.

As part of the series, we asked readers for their views and experiences. Below are personal stories of bullying which are all connected to attending secondary school.

‘The law of the jungle prevailed’

“Bullies are everywhere – at home, at work, in clubs and societies. Their behaviour should be confronted and opposed relentlessly. It is the only approach that works. People who are bullied badly don’t tend to care ‘why the bully bullies’. People who are badly bullied, in a way that causes lasting shame and hurt, tend to despise the bully and wish them ill. That is my experience.

“It might shock most bullies to know that nothing bad enough can happen to them in life as far as their victims are concerned. I went to secondary school in the eighties in rural Roscommon. It was perfectly acceptable to bully females who were not submissive and maternal, even towards their contemporaries. It was perfectly acceptable to bully “weaker males”. The law of the jungle prevailed.

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“A guy in the year ahead started to call me “bullock” for no apparent reason, and his idiotic friends followed his lead. Their leering name-calling and animal noises are clear in my memory. Every time I passed them going down town or coming back, playing basketball, on the schoolbus, it was the same thing. I despise them all still – although I rarely see or interact with any or them. There is no forgiveness on my part. They destroyed an important part of my life, and for years they were in my head. I felt ugly, unattractive, sexless. Nobody came to my aid, and I was too ashamed to talk about it at home. I think that it was the timing of their bullying that made it such an effective weapon against my self esteem. At 13 or 14, this kind of experience is destructive. It also creates a wariness and an avoidant behaviour pattern.” – D, Co Roscommon

‘I still struggle with low self-confidence’

“I was bullied physically, verbally and via text for being a lesbian by many different students in secondary school. The school resources for dealing with bullying were virtually non-existent in my school. I’m now in my late 20s and, although I’ve accepted my sexuality a long time ago, I still struggle with low self-confidence and painful memories. Bullying has awful effects, not just when it’s happening but into adulthood too. Schools need to be proactive in minimising future harm when bullying is occurring.” – L, Co Dublin

‘Disheartened to see a staff photo’

“Visiting my old secondary school website out of curiosity, I was very disheartened to see in a staff photo that the kid who bullied me relentlessly 25 years ago is a teacher there now.” – R, Co Mayo

‘Bullies don’t see themselves as bad people’

“I was bullied while I attended a secondary all-girls private school. The days are very, very long, walking between classes provides any opportunity to be targeted or feel intimated. Still, to this day, many decades later, I need company and to be attached to a “wingman” of sorts if going somewhere or moving through a social gathering. My days of being bullied have thought me many things – one is that the bullies themselves often forget that they were the perpetrator. When maturity sets in they seem to develop amnesia that they inflicted a low level PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) that is taking years of counselling to work through. Bullies themselves don’t see themselves as bad people, it becomes too easy to form part of a pack and fall victim to herd mentality.

“My other piece of advice to anyone in a teaching capacity or as a parent of a child being bullied – the teachers even when aware cannot have eyes and ears everywhere. They do not see the bullying actions that are unsaid, the circumstantial behaviours that would not pass in a court of law as stereotypical “bullying”. In this new day and age I also feel great empathy for those experiencing bullying online – the teachers cannot be “aware” or “watch out” for that either. The summer is the welcome break where you will get your child back and hopefully some of the darkness lifts. My advice would be to take your child away from your local area or keep them busy during the day (more difficult with adolescents). These summers are the best reprieve they have until they move school or attend college. – A, Co Longford

[ Bullying: Putting the work into having students ‘who are upstanders, not bystanders’ ]

‘That period has impacted my entire life’

“I was bullied all through secondary school. I was a quiet boy so that made me a target for name-calling, isolation and some physical violence. This was in the 1980s, which may explain the school’s halfhearted attempt to intervene (a couple of “anti-bullying” policy statements thrown about) and my own parents’ reaction, which was this was my fault for “letting it happen” and asking why I didn’t stand up for myself.

“I’m now 51. That period of isolation, loneliness and fear has impacted my entire life. I do not trust people’s motives and actively block people from getting too close to me. I guess my point is that bullying can be silent, insidious and soul-destroying. I’d encourage parents to look for signs of distress with their kids – are they becoming withdrawn? Do they seem to have no friends? Don’t wait for your kid to speak up. Keep your “spidey-sense” active and intervene if you believe it necessary. – S, Co Wicklow

‘A real-life version of South Park’s Eric Cartman’

“I went to a small school where I spent six years being bullied on a daily basis by one individual. He was, I begrudgingly admit, highly intelligent and understood what made people tick in a way I’ve yet to experience in the 16 years since we left school. He came from a very difficult background and this no doubt moulded him and made him a deeply unhappy individual. If you’re having difficulty picturing him, just think of a real-life version of South Park’s Eric Cartman.

“I was the only person in our year who he had any semblance of a relationship with but, unfortunately, the difficult home life I had meant I was easily influenced and gravitated towards him – his brash confidence was an umbrella I felt I could shelter under. However, part of the deal meant I had to endure the daily ritual of his torturous bullying. Each morning started with him commenting on my appearance – how many spots I had acquired overnight, the poor quality of my clothes, how my breath smelt, how my taste in music was unsophisticated, which girls he had overheard talking about me. This was the worst part. In a co-ed school, popularity among the girls was your currency and to be consistently told they thought I was undesirable stripped me of my confidence.

“Why did I hang on his every word I have no idea. He had completely broken me and to my shame, I passed the bullying on to other boys in the class with reckless enthusiasm – no doubt someone out there is writing to The Irish Times talking about me as their own Eric Cartman.

“Seeing people from school nowadays is hard for me, I hope they understand I was a deeply unhappy teenager at home and school and mocking others felt like a suit of armour that shielded me from the pain, however temporary. By the time I went to college my way of thinking was utterly toxic – I was convinced others were judging my appearance and behaviour as much as my bully had. When meeting new people I would immediately point out my own flaws in a strange attempt to get these things out in the open before they could be discovered. I’d largely grown out of it by my late 20s but I think of my bully from time to time.

“I’d love to say that I’m over it now and that I have the solemnity to sit down and speak with him but I’d be lying – I ashamedly hope he’s paying for how he treated me, I hope he’s still suffering and I hope he never sees the light of happiness.” – J, Co Wicklow

‘I carry it to this day’

“I was bullied mercilessly in first and second year of secondary school. It started with two girls and extended to a school-wide campaign of ostracism. I would sit alone, people would move away from me and it was a massive faux pas to speak to me. I was called all kinds of things, but the main one was anorexic and a lesbian (neither was true but its brutal to think how seeing that must have felt for students struggling with their own sexualities). I was arty, not sporty and probably a bit off, but nothing warranted the treatment. I was suicidal, self-harming and started taking antidepressants at 15.

“I carry it to this day. I remember so distinctly starting college and being shocked people were speaking to me openly and kindly. I became such a happier person. I’m now 31 and this still impacts me everyday. I’m still on antidepressants and my sense of self worth hangs on by a delicate thread. It feels like people could flip again, could turn around and ruin my life on a whim, for sport. It showed me the cruelty of humans and that’s not something I’ll ever forget.” – K, Co Limerick

‘I naturally blamed myself’

‘Secondary school was the worst time of my life. I remember the first time I entered the school, I felt a knot in my stomach, that knot gradually grew and expanded into anxiety, depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I went to a well-known all girls school. Most girls came from the same primary school and already had fixed friendship groups. Only five from my primary school went on to this secondary school.

Girls I was previously friends with in primary school suddenly started bullying me in secondary school. They made jokes at my expense, laughed at me or worse, completely ignored me. It was a bad start to a new phase of life. I quickly lost all confidence and self-esteem. I tried so hard to get into one of the friendship groups but none were welcoming. I was ashamed, embarrassed, confused, angry, hurt ... a wide range of emotions that I had no support with.

“So, like a lot of young people do, I naturally blamed myself for what was happening and turned on myself. I believed I was worthless, a loser, bottom of the pile, ugly, unlovable ... it was the only way my young mind made sense of the situation. I hated myself, I hated being me, I hated life. In the five years at secondary school there was no mention of mental health, no supports for bullying. The only focus was getting high grades, and outward achievements. I cried every night for most of those five years. I wished and wished that someone would ask me, Are you okay? But it never happened.

“As an adult, I’ve had years of therapy and while I’m in a much better place now, I still deal with underlying struggles that emerged in adolescents. I wonder if one person had asked me, Are you okay? ... would it have put me on a better path in adulthood? Would you ever ask someone clearly struggling, are you okay? It could change their lives. – J, Co Galway