My boyfriend keeps talking to women on apps but tells me it’s harmless

Dear Roe,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly two years and I thought we were heading towards getting engaged. But I recently found out that he has a dating app on his phone. I confronted him and he admitted to using it and “chatting” with people. He says he has never done anything or met up with anyone, but just likes the ego boost of having people match him and flirt with him. We had arguments early in our relationship about him following lots of attractive women on Instagram who he didn’t know, but was liking or commenting on their pictures, which he didn’t think was disrespectful. He keeps saying I’m over-reacting and that what he’s doing isn’t cheating and doesn’t count. He says if we’re going to be together, it’s normal that he’ll find other people attractive and that acting on it is the problem, and he’s not. I don’t know what to think.

Get out. Get out now. This is nasty, disrespectful and manipulative, and you know it. That’s why you feel undermined, betrayed, hurt – but also feel confused and destabilised and a little bit crazy. Because he’s trying to make you feel crazy. He’s trying to make you doubt your absolutely correct instinct that this behaviour is unacceptable and make you feel like you expressing your sense of hurt and betrayal is the problem here, not his behaviour.

Is he correct that in a long-term relationship, you will both find other people attractive? Yes. Can the general idea of wanting to feel desirable and having the occasional, harmless, very limited flirt with someone outside the relationship be understandable? Yes. Is he utterly manipulating these very broad ideas in order to excuse sneaky, disrespectful behaviour and belittle your feelings? Yes.

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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Three things are incredibly telling here: your previous conversations around apps and fidelity in your relationship; his secrecy; and the way he has responded to your concerns and feelings.

You’ve already had a conversation where you expressed your discomfort with him deliberately engaging with and communicating with women online. You felt his comments and likes were disrespectful, and you’re allowed feel that way. Others may absolutely view that activity as harmless, which is also valid. This is why having explicit conversations around social media use and what kind of activity you see as disrespectful is important for couples to navigate – these are new, modern issues but they can deeply impact people’s sense of safety in a relationship.

One question that’s interesting for couples to discuss when addressing liking or commenting on photos of attractive people they may or may not know, or so-called “thirst traps” is simply: why? The photos can be looked at, but what does engaging with them do, hope to do, and what message does it send to your partner? When you look at a photo, that’s a type of consumption. When you engage with it, it’s a type of communication. What type and tone of communication are you then having or trying to start with another person, and what are those likes/comments communicating about your relationship? Again, different couples will have different ideas and boundaries; there may be some people like exes for whom this type of social media engagement feels more charged; and for some people it’s simply never a problem, but having the conversation is always illuminating.

You already had a version of this conversation where you expressed that you found his engagement with women on Instagram disrespectful and that it made you uncomfortable. Now, I only have what you’re telling me – maybe he was liking innocuous photos of friends who happen to be girls and he didn’t see that as a problem, and maybe if he wrote in with his side of the story I would view your behaviour as controlling and urge you to work on your self-esteem. But in your version, it was women he didn’t know and you expressed your discomfort – and he had a choice. He could either respect your boundaries, leave the relationship, or stay in the relationship and continue to do the thing that was upsetting you, because liking the photos of women he doesn’t know was more important to him than the feelings of you, the woman he knows, loves, and supposedly wants to spend his life with. As you write that this issue caused “lots of arguments”, it seemed he chose the latter, which is already a red flag.

He is declaring that he gets to decide what “counts” as betrayal in a relationship. These aren’t decisions that one person in a relationship makes – these are decisions that are made together

Which brings us to the issue of his dating app habit and the secrecy around it. Whatever about people’s differing barometer for Instagram activity, dating apps are specifically designed to help you find someone to have a romantic connection with or to have sex with (both, if you’re lucky). That is literally what they are for. And he joined while in a relationship with you. Red flag. And again, he is not simply looking at pictures of people he finds attractive; he is actively engaging with and communicating with these people – people who are looking to meet someone and people who find him attractive. There may be some scant few monogamous relationships where that’s fine, but yours is not one of them – and he knows this. You made your feelings clear on the Instagram issue, and he not only progressed on to a platform with a more charged dynamic and more engagement, but he also hid this from you. He didn’t ask you or laugh about it with you, he hid from you because he knew he was betraying the terms of your relationship. He’s betraying you and hiding it because he knows it’s wrong. Flags everywhere.

And as if that wasn’t enough, the conversations you have had since show that he is still prioritising his ego, his feelings, his apps over you. He is not expressing remorse for hurting you, a desire to understand your feelings, accountability for his actions, or an attempt to communicate with honesty and respect so that you feel safe continuing your relationship with him. He is undermining you, refusing to take your feelings seriously, and he is declaring that he gets to decide what “counts” as betrayal in a relationship. These aren’t decisions that one person in a relationship makes – these are decisions that are made together.

And his declarations of what “counts” are completely self-serving – and escalating. First, liking people’s photos didn’t count. Then, joining a dating app didn’t count. Then, talking to people on a dating app didn’t count. This will continue to escalate, with him always declaring that what he’s doing is below the line. Texting people that he fancies them? Doesn’t count if they don’t meet. Sending sexts? Doesn’t count if it’s not in person. Meeting up with people from dating apps? Doesn’t count if they don’t touch each other. This man isn’t waving red flags any more; he is a walking, talking red flag.

He is setting the rules to suit himself, and he will keep moving the rules to suit his desire, because he doesn’t value you or your relationship enough to want you to feel safe.

I’m sorry. I know you have had a long-term serious relationship with this person and were planning a future with him. But he is telling you, very explicitly, that a life with him would be a lifetime of dishonesty, disrespect and disloyalty. Get out now, and thank your lucky stars you did before the wedding.