How can we recognise unhealthy power dynamics in friendships and relationships?

As friends and partners, we connect with those around us in various ways. However, there are also possible hierarchies, leaders and followers, influencers and complex power dynamics at play when one person uses their authority to dominate another.

The ideal friendship involves a shared dynamic where one person does not control the other, but friendships and relationships are complex.

So, how can we recognise and navigate any overt power dynamics in unbalanced relationships?

“Power dynamics can be seen as the control or influence that exists within a friendship, how this impacts on how the relationship functions and the emotional outcomes based on how they manifest,” says relationship coach John Kenny, also known as The Relationship Guy. “For example, do you do what your friend wants to do when you go out all of the time? Are you the only one that instigates contact? Are the conversations always based on them?”

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The easy part is knowing that relationships often work on a gamut of fluctuating power dynamics. What is tricky is figuring out if these influences are good or bad and who holds specific power at various times in the relationship. An untoward imbalance can lead to resentment, heated arguments, disconnection and emotional distance between partners and friends.

“When we choose friends, as it is with partners, they are generally there because of the needs that they meet within us,” says Kenny. “If we have unhealthy or maladaptive types of needs then we are likely to attract people that meet these. These will then dictate how the relationships work and the balance of power within them.”

Linsey Blair, couple and psychosexual therapist at the Evidence-Based Therapy Centre in Galway, suggests that to understand power dynamics in relationships we need to explore the term “power struggle”, which is often how people refer to the complexities of supposed power conflicts and dynamics in relationships.

“A ‘power struggle’ implies a bid for dominance in a relationship,” she says. “This is, ultimately, anti-relational since a relationship, by definition, is an interaction between two people. Dominance results in one being controlled by another, which is not an interaction. I would say that it is rare for ‘power struggles’ of this type, as in a bid for dominance, to be present in friendships or romance.”

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She suggests that what people refer to when discussing power struggles or the complicated dynamics of their relationships is in actual fact a “fight for fairness”.

“I would argue that in romantic relationships, and indeed in solid friendships, the presence of fights for equality and fairness is common, even healthy,” she says. “The fight for fairness can be linked back to childhood sibling dynamics. How many times do parents hear their children arguing because they feel one of their siblings got a longer amount of time on the TV? There are never-ending arguments between siblings around what is fair.”

Arguments in relationships are good. When disagreements occur, they are an opportunity for greater support, self-awareness and allow the relationship to grow in consideration of the needs of the other person and the couple as a whole. Without arguments, relationships are stagnant and potentially stuck in a power struggle that can be easily discussed and worked through.

“Imbalance can create situations where one will make all of the effort or never get what they want,” says Kenny. “Eventually, this will lead to resentment in the person who never gets what they want, are not heard, or considered. The person with the power will also generally try to keep hold of this at all costs, but there are occasions when this isn’t the case and when you bring it up, they are oblivious to the problem and are able to change the balance.”

This bid for fairness within relationships is a continual entity and will consistently evolve as a relationship grows. In essence, it’s important to be aware that the idea of fairness in itself is quite unfair to begin with and as we grow from childhood to adulthood, these elements of being fair shift into different aspects of our lives. As Blair says, who got the most sweets as kids turns into who does more housework as adults.

“A certain level of struggle, bickering and arguing around who does what is healthy because it implies that the roles are not set in stone and therefore no one has the ultimate power,” says Blair. Signs of a struggle for fairness can creep into relationships daily. Blair trained under couples’ therapist Chris Clulow, who defined the acronym SHAME to encompass the most common struggles within intimate relationships.

• Sex
• Housework
• Activities
• Money
• Employment

“When couples argue about these topics they are usually arguing about fairness,” says Blair. “Who initiates sex more? Who does more housework? Who has more free-time? Who works harder? Who has more money? It is healthy for couples to argue about these things if the arguments don’t escalate to the point someone feels out of control or frightened. These arguments are not about power, but equality.”

Kenny is adamant that addressing unbalanced power dynamics is “all about boundaries” and being aware of the imbalances at play. He suggests confronting the unwelcome influences and make changes supportive of all parties. If that’s not possible, a person can look at what they are prepared to accept and try to make changes that will shift the dynamics and create more emotionally secure relationships.

Being open and honest and building trust and engaging in healthy communication will strengthen a relationship thwarted by unequal displays of power. Compromising and respecting boundaries, shows a willingness to support each other with a give-and-take attitude. And arguing fairly without blame or judgment will help relieve the small, often daily, power struggles necessary to navigate.

“You will also need to look at why you have allowed these in the first place and work on yourself so that you can hold a new space when this is challenged,” he says. “Know your needs and how they can be met in a healthier way and be clear on how you want your relationships to be.”

Blair also notes that if the dynamic is focused on the bid for fairness, then it may never really be resolved. “It simply mutates and changes as our lives change,” she says. “It is never resolved between siblings either. This is maybe okay. It is our differences that cause arguments, but it is also our differences that fuel creativity. Part of the solution is to accept that there will always be a struggle and things will always feel unfair and that is part of relationships.”

Relationships

• Microaggressions
• Emotional vampire