Mrs, Miss or Ms – in this day and age who cares?

Pouring salt on the wound is an understatement when the receptionist asked me loudly in a doctor’s waiting room if I was Mrs or Miss. It was a few weeks after my marriage had ended. Even though in some ways I was already well versed in this, as I had never changed my name when I got married and had long insisted on using the Ms title. Yet suddenly I had this urge to say “Does it really matter what title I have?”. The idea that women have to declare their marital status on a form or out loud should have been ousted around the time that they put a stop to the infamous “marriage bar”. Who cares anymore? The form-fillers and software makers apparently. And definitely my doctor’s receptionist.

I can't be alone in feeling that I have no need to define myself with a title, and certainly not one that tells the world whether I am married or not

To my shame, I had never really thought about the fact that I have always been defined by my marital status. And that men are not. It is so obvious, but only when I found myself being suddenly unmarried did it slap me in the face. The wake-up slaps kept coming. Being asked for my maiden name, for example. And feeling my toes curl in a self conscious way when someone asks me “is that Miss or Mrs” and I say “Ms”. You can even see some people check your ring finger to see if they should ask at all.

One other name issue that raises its ugly head from time to time is when I go through customs with my children. As they have their father’s name, I have been advised to carry either a birth certificate or a letter of permission from their father to say that he has permitted me to travel abroad with my children. Something that would not be an issue if I had chosen to “take” the name of my husband when we married of course.

One title

I appreciate that women have a lot of battles to fight right now in terms of dragging Irish law into the 21st century, but I would like to throw this bureaucratic buffoonery into the mix. The ultimate aim moving forward would be to have one title for all women and girls. If you see a need for titles at all that is.

It is interesting to note that if you go back to 17th century, both terms Mrs and Miss came from the word Mistress, according to Cambridge historian Dr Amy Erickson in her 2014 publication, A short history of the Mrs and that neither were related to marital status. Mrs was for an adult woman, and Miss was for a young girl. Titles were seen as social status symbols rather than marital ones, and you will see plenty of women on historic record named as Mrs, who were never in fact married.

I can't even begin to understand how frustrating it is for people who don't identify with one gender

Other countries

Let's look at some of the countries leading the way with legislation when it comes to differentiating between women based on their marital status. Germany won its battle to remove fräulein, or Miss, from official use as long ago as 1972. The town of Cesson-Sevigne and city of Rennes in Britanny, France, removed Mademoiselle from official use in 2012 and 2007 respectively. And Sweden introduced a new gender neutral pronoun to their dictionary in 2015, with hen now being added to han and hon, meaning he and she, for people who don't choose to identify with a gender.

Although gender politics and identification are vital, my point here is not so much about that. I can’t be alone in feeling that I have no need to define myself with a title, and certainly not one that tells the world whether I am married or not. And I do identify with being female, so I can’t even begin to understand how frustrating it is for people who don’t identify with one gender. If I want to sign up to buy a ticket on Irish Rail or Aer Lingus websites, for example, I am obliged to input my title before I can open an account. Even transport providers aren’t helping us in our journey to be free of such archaic notions.

So, I am not laying down the gauntlet, because that’s another one of those outdated expressions. I am simply asking the powers that be to drop the title obsession. Follow the Bretons and the Germans and, in this whole new upheaval of world politics, let Ireland show off its ability to take at least one tiny step for mankind. And womankind. Or just simply be kind and let our names, which we do have some control over these days thankfully, say it all.