My husband is more interested in his female boss than me

PROBLEM: My husband has a female boss who came for help on a project proposal they are working on. I could hear them laughing and they seemed to be enjoying each other's company. I felt so emotionally cheated on because he never laughed with me the way he did with her.

This happened at a time when I was complaining to my husband that he was distant and forever playing games and chatting on his phone. He seemed not to be interested in me. So I communicated to him my feelings about that day and I let go of the incident. But the female colleague came back, this time in my absence, and my husband never told me. Instead the baby-sitter told me as soon as I got home from work, because she says the two seem too close.

With what I believe was a slip of the tongue, my husband let the cat out of the bag two days later. I asked why she had come, and the reason was kind of lame: he wanted to help her register for an online course, and as there was no internet at work, he told her he has wifi at home. I asked whether her husband couldn’t help her and he said the husband wasn’t around. I realised that they call each other frequently, like every day, once, twice or even three times.

After letting him know that bringing their work over was destroying me, the tables were turned to such an extent that I apologised and regretted ever communicating my emotions. He said he had stopped working with her, but I know he hasn’t. When he comes home he spends five minutes in his car on the phone and he doesn’t know I’m aware of it. He is now in the habit of deleting his call history. I can’t ask anything because he fumes and I’m afraid we will end up arguing. He told me she was one of the nicest people around and she was innocent, and that I needed to see a psychiatrist.

ADVICE: From what you say, the difficulty in your relationship was happening before your husband began getting close to his female boss. You were already feeling his emotional distance and had voiced this to him, and it seems that little changed. Your vulnerability meant that hearing him laugh so freely with his work colleague highlighted the lack of closeness between you two and of course you resented this.

He now suggests that you need psychiatric help as he feels you are becoming paranoid, and the result is that both of you are withdrawing from honesty and connection.

It may well be true that your husband has a huge amount in common with his colleague and that he looks forward to working with someone who is in sympathy with his interests and ideals. All this would be acceptable if your marriage were strong, but it seems that is far from the case. If no intervention happens, you might find that your insecurity deepens. You need to talk to him about your fears that your marriage is disintegrating and why you don’t want this to happen. Can you remember what brought you together and what hopes and dreams you shared for your future?

The danger here is that you will repeat your suspicions and the conversation will end up in a huge argument where you feel betrayed. If you ask for honesty, then you must be prepared to handle it when it is offered. It may well be that your husband has emotionally disconnected from you, and he has to decide if he wants to fight for your marriage or not.

If it is very difficult to have the conversation, you might consider having a third party mediate. Someone you both trust or a couple's therapist (familytherapyireland.com) can be helpful. The pattern of suspicion and judgment may now be quite strong and might require a lot of work and time to mend. If your husband is not open to discussion, you may benefit from having some counselling on your own, as it appears that you are questioning your own judgment.

Trish Murphy is a psychotherapist. Email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com for advice. We regret that personal correspondence cannot be entered into