A cruise used to be my idea of a holiday from hell. Could I be converted?

We’re slipping out of Dubrovnik, and I’m feeling a little conflicted. So is my mum, although I’d say the vast majority of the rest of the 2,000-plus passengers on board the Regal Princess haven’t given it a second thought.

After all, what’s not to love about visiting seven cities in six different countries, without having to fight your way through airports, or even repack your bags? Add sunset cocktails as you glide out of various harbours, and the thrill of waking up to sunrises over new horizons each morning: who wouldn’t fall for the multiple delights of cruising?

People who haven’t been on cruises, and until recently I counted myself among them, fall into two very distinct categories. There are the Unfulfilled Dream of a Lifetime camp, and then there’s their My Idea of Hell contemporaries. The middle ground seems fairly unoccupied. To the latter, notions of all-you-can-eat buffets, loud and enormous athleisure-wearing retirees, enforced entertainments and the omnipresent company of other people is too toxic a mix. Completely honestly? I was more on the hellish end of things, but I came back converted.

Cruising is one of the success stories of post-Covid travel. This is partly due to accumulated holiday savings leading to splurge-level trips, but it is also down to the aforementioned ease of exploring coastal parts of the world in a fairly frictionless fashion. That said, there are some scratchy bits. The sight of our floating home, anchored in picturesque ports, dwarfing the local attractions does give pause, but no sooner has another, even larger ship, pulled up alongside, and I start to get used to the scale.

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Then there’s the carbon footprint: in a kilo-for-kilo carbon emissions comparison with aeroplanes on transatlantic trips, cruise ships come up short; but were you to take short-haul flights to all the destinations we called to, things start to even out. Cruise companies are late adopters on the sustainability front, there are no facilities to separate stuff in the cabins (sorry: staterooms) on our cruise, but Sun Princess, launching in 2024, will bring the Princess fleet to 16 ships, and be the first powered by Liquefied Natural Gas.

Pressing environmental issues are forgotten once on board, as I imagine they are by the vast majority of holidaymakers, and so is the very long queue to board in Barcelona. As Mum and I inch forward alongside an exceptionally diverse mixture of good natured humanity, we wonder what we’ve let ourselves in for. My initial plan had been to take a cruise to see how Covid had impacted the industry, but that trip was delayed because I came down with Covid… Still, once recovered, I was grateful for the immunity as it did feel strange to be among so many people again, especially as not all of whom paid too much attention to the signs requesting people not to pile into the lifts.

Ardent cruisers know what to expect, but Mum and I were taken aback by the huge atrium with its marble floors, swirling balconies, fountains, glitz and gold. An inveterate traveller with my dad, Covid had put a jink in Mum’s airport stride, and one of the most lovely things about travelling with her (partly in celebration of a particular birthday), was the chance to go together to places she may have wondered if she would be visiting so easily again.

She and Dad had spent part of their honeymoon in Cassis, so on our first port of call at Toulon, we headed to nearby Bandol and soaked up the sleepy end-of-season vibe that we’ve always loved on family holidays, and shared some stories. My parents had also lived for a while in Florence, so we joined a bus tour headed there when we stopped in Livorno.

Princess Cruises offers a range of shore excursions at each stop, all at an additional cost. There are also local shuttle busses, so if you’re the independent type, you don’t need to sign up to anything to get ashore – though do note, if you travel independently, it’s up to you to get back to the ship in time for departure.

It made practical sense for us to take the Florence excursion, but by the time we got there, I could cheerfully have murdered the guide, who seemed intent on ensuring that the (mostly American) group stuck to the shops run by his “friends”. Hint: all the shops he recommended had English names. Italians, he implied, are dangerous. Quickly ditching him on arrival, it was gorgeous to visit all the beautiful memory lanes that this incredible city has to offer.

Montenegro and Dubrovnik were new to us, and in the latter, a much better tour, this time by tuk tuk with a local guide was well worth it, bringing us high above the city made (even more famous) by Game of Thrones. Sharing the tuk tuk with a pair of Americans, we got to talking about life, the universe and everything. He had eaten boa constrictor when lost in the jungle with his platoon in Vietnam. She was afraid of heights, but very much in love with him.

On one of the days at sea, I met a retired Los Angeles policeman in the hot tub who told me about murders on cruise ships (there have been some) and how he found it hard to ever really be off duty. Later, at the bar, I met a woman who had been to school with Michael Fassbender, but said some of her colleagues in the beauty salon she worked in in the US were being investigated by the FBI. Clearly, if you love brief and random encounters, cruising is for you.

A bone of contention emerged between me and Mum. My drinks package, see below, gave me 15 free drinks a day. Mum, with my wellbeing ever at heart, saw this as a convenience, rather than a target. “Maybe it’s up to the value of $15,” she offered, gamely. I decided to err on the side of Good Daughter and didn’t push it. When you board, you get a medallion that opens doors, and keeps tabs. Literally. I start to realise, with relief, that the lovely bar staff say “hello Gemma”, not because I’m an over-frequent lush, but because my medallion has already identified me on approach. Service, throughout the many bars and restaurants, and in our staterooms, is exceptional.

On formal night, we put our posh frocks on and go to ooh and aah at the champagne fountain. There are 2,252 passengers on board, from 47 countries, we’re told. More than half of these are American, and a disproportionate cheer goes up at the announcement that there are 15 Irish. We try to find them all, scoring quick points when we meet a lovely extended family from Tipperary who go cruising together as often as possible.

I quickly realised that among such diversity, there are probably at least 10 different cruises going on. Some probably are trying to reach their drinks limit. Some are there to gamble in the casino. Others are taking full advantage of the excellent food. More are availing of all the entertainments – including the surprisingly fun quizzes. There are even some travelling to see the world.

There is a lady who knits every afternoon in a corner of the library bar, and a Chinese family who play Mah Jong on deck, whatever the weather. While initially the ship seems overwhelmed with the very elderly (and can you blame them? It’s an incredibly easy and stress-free way to travel), I start to notice all sorts of age groups. People are very friendly, but you can still avoid them if you want to, which is nice.

It is true that the astonishing uniqueness of some of Europe’s great cities does start to blur after a while. “Is it Thursday? It must be Corfu…” But visiting all these countries in slow, but speedy succession made me wonder, in a wonderful way, at the difference between the beauty of Florentine cathedrals, little French maritime chapels, and the glowing gorgeousness of Greek Orthodox jewel box churches. We send lots of postcards home to Dad.

We map our way in identical brightly coloured small bowls that everywhere claims are locally made. They seem to get cheaper as we go. On Corfu I buy Mum a small sculpture of an olive tree, and the lady in the shop tells us that if you’re building a new house, you should smash a pomegranate in the doorway. Where the seeds and juice scatter, you’ll find richness and joy. “And bury a small bottle of honey somewhere it will never be disturbed,” she adds earnestly. “You will always have sweetness in your life.”

As the days pass, I get used to the vaguely Death on the Nile Art Deco decor and start to relax. I find I feel less useless about lounging in the exceptionally comfortable bed sipping prosecco and watching dated re-runs of Love Boat, because as the ship sails on, we’re getting somewhere, going places, and it is blissful.

There are movies on the top deck under the stars, and hilarious dancing illuminated fountains for 10-minute interludes every night at 9pm. One night we slip by Stromboli and watch it erupting into the dark sky. We’re nearing the end of our trip. Almost 2,000 of the passengers will be staying on, taking the Cruise Back option, to bring them across the Atlantic and home to Florida. I’m hugely tempted to join them.

Gemma Tipton was a guest of Princess Cruises.

Cruising: The costs and the extras

A seven-night Mediterranean cruise, departing Rome on August 5th on Enchanted Princess, and calling at Naples, Crete, Kusadasi and Mykonos starts from €1,043 based on two people sharing an inside stateroom. Flights extra. princess.com

Your basic cruise package gives you a shared inside cabin. From there, the only way is up. Add extra for a window and more for a balcony. Buffet food, and some restaurants are included, as are regular teas and coffees and water (but not mineral water). Choose from drinks packages, offering a daily limit of wine by the glass, cocktails and speciality coffees, plus tips. You can opt to run a tab as you go, but most people opt for a package to avoid nasty surprises later.

Cruising on the cheap? Take note of special events, such as quiz night at the jewellery boutique, and extravaganzas at the (ahem) interesting art gallery, where complimentary drinks and canapés are on offer. Wifi is extra, but if you’re cruising in the Mediterranean, and can bear to be out of coverage on Sea Days, you can probably get by on roaming.

Covid and cruising

Upload your vaccine cert to the Princess app ahead of departure. You also need to take a picture of a self-administered antigen test the day before you leave. During our cruise, Mum developed a sore throat. A nice man in a hazmat suit came to the cabin within 10 minutes, and administered antigen tests. Happily she was Covid-free, so the medical centre dispatched cough sweets and a throat spray. If we had been positive, we would have been requested to isolate, and have been fed via the excellent room service.