Miriam Lord's Week

; Noonan back in the mix; motormouth McEntee; ‘Give Up Yer Aul Sins’ part 2; not in Leo’s gift; Kung Fu Inda; behind every great man

Hogan wants to ride shotgun

WHEN ENDA Kenny and his supporters repaired to the bar of Buswell’s Hotel on Thursday night to toast his victory in the leadership challenge, most of the group who instigated the heave were conducting a glum postmortem in the Merrion Hotel’s Cellar bar.

Perhaps it’s an indication of things to come, but some of the Kenny camp were keeping a wary eye on the demoralised rebels. They had a mole in Merrion Street, just in case there was anything significant to report.

This week’s attempted coup, inept and all as it was, may have shaken Fine Gael but it has really shaken Enda Kenny’s closest political confidants. Steps will be taken to make sure they will not be surprised by another attempt to unseat him. This is why Phil Hogan of Carlow/Kilkenny is most likely to become deputy leader of the party ahead of Dublin’s James Reilly, who batted manfully for his boss. There is speculation that Big Phil, who masterminded the rout of the Keystone Conspirators, will lose out to Reilly because of geographical considerations – a Dublin deputy to balance Mayoman Kenny. However, experienced operator Hogan is determined to ride shotgun for Enda. As deputy leader, he will be best positioned to watch his boss’s back. After all, to have allowed one heave might be considered unfortunate. To have a second would be careless.

No doubt he will work in conjunction with his understudy, chief whip Paul “Baby Phil” Kehoe. They made a good team during the week.

Enda won’t be naming his new front bench for another week, which will give everyone in the party a chance to cool down and afford the chastened dissidents some time for reflection.

However, Richard Bruton will not be returning as finance spokesman. Instead – and this is not what the Government wants to see – party heavyweight Michael Noonan is set to return to front-bench duties. Noonan is a political bruiser with a sharp mind and a wicked turn of phrase. He knows the finance brief inside out, he calls a spade a spade and won’t be afraid to mix it with the two Brians. During Thursday’s confidence debate, Noonan didn’t speak nor did he indicate what way he was going to vote. He sat at the back of the room, observing everything with a little smile on his face, saying nothing.

“Let’s say there are indications that relations have been fully restored between Deputy Noonan and the leadership,” commented a senior party source. “Richard knows finance inside out and he is a brilliant asset, but sometimes he can be too nice. If Noonan takes the job, the gloves will come and they won’t like it in Fianna Fáil.”

As for the affable Richard Bruton – who is hugely respected within the party – it is hoped he will return to the front bench, perhaps as enterprise spokesman.

Where will Enda’s axe fall? Efforts will be made to get Richard back, with perhaps olive branches also extending in the direction of Leo Varadkar (Dr V’s cough having been softened considerably) and Simon Coveney.

But it could be curtains for Billy Timmins and Denis Naughten. Maybe Enda will hand the vacant defence portfolio to our favourite backbencher, James “Bonkers” Bannon. He kept his powder dry at the parliamentary party meeting, much to the disappointment of some deputies and Senators. He didn’t disclose how he would vote, but given that he was velcroed to Enda’s shoulder and smiling militantly during all the post-meeting interviews, he must have backed the right horse.

Breath of fresh air badly wanted

There are no windows in the Fine Gael party room. With 70 – mostly male – politicians stuffed into this rather small space, it got a bit stuffy. “How can I put this? There were moments in that room when the air was, eh . . . heaving,” is how one party member put it when the gasping politicians were finally released into the fresh air.

It was a very emotional meeting. Lots of tears. Poor Paschal Donohoe, who was one of the tellers, was in floods when he was handing out the voting slips.

If they hadn’t been shredded after the vote they would have disintegrated, he’d wept so much over them. But his heart was in the right place.

After the meeting, the general consensus was that Shane McEntee, deputy for Meath East, just shaded the honours in the speaking stakes, followed closely by the Mouth of Mayo, Michael Ring, and the Vuvuzela of Fine Gael, Bernard Durkan.

Party chairman Padraic McCormack, who fancies himself as something of a comedian, nearly started a riot early on when he declared, after the sixth speaker: “That’s the end of the speeches now!” But back to Shane, who was taking the whole thing very personally because he loves his party so much. He stood to speak, only to be assailed by howls from the ladies present.

“Fix your clothes!” He tucked in his shirt which was hanging out and then blamed his wife Kathleen for not sending him out all spruced up.

Oh, but he was only dying to get out of the traps. As he began to speak, he threw the head back and the chest out, blowing up and out like a belligerent bullfrog. He spoke for well over his allotted four minutes, ignoring the bell.

Quivering, with the sweat pouring out of him, he bellowed emotionally: “You know me. I’ll fight for yis and I’ll DIE for everyone one of yis!” He quoted the great Meath football manager Seán Boylan, and Boylan’s father.

“I’ve wanted to be here since I was 14 years of age,” he trembled, fixing the rebels with a stricken eye. “Why, lads? Why didn’t ye come to us?” Puffing up, the hair stuck to his head, he pleaded with the Keystone Conspirators: “Don’t say yis won’t serve! Don’t walk out on your leader!” He let a few curses out of him, but it was only in the heat of the moment. Mighty stuff. Michael Ring, loitering at the back, knew he would have to up his game. “I’ve given up 30 years of me shaggin’ life for the party,” he roared. “Get out there and WORK!”

Catherine Byrne of Dublin South Central was very emotional. She got to her feet and told her colleagues she was going to tell them a story, whereupon she launched into a yarn about two prostitutes having two baby boys and one of the boys dies and one of the prostitute robs the living baby and then King Solomon is asked to intervene and he says to cut the surviving baby in two.

Enda and Richard looked a little nervous, as Catherine continued her live audition of Give Up Yer Aul Sins – the sequel.

Carrying on the baby theme, Maireád McGuinness said Enda was like a dad who nursed a child through croup and now the rebels were trying to take the baby away from him. More tellingly, she said the leader needed to be properly briefed before media appearances.

Vuvuzela Durkan amazed everyone by nearly keeping under the four minutes. He stood and towered over poor Richard, booming “Bad judgment call. Bad judgment call!” He castigated him for losing his nerve over an opinion poll and declared “When you condemn an honest man in a country rotten with corruption there is something wrong.” Enda, in his closing speech, mentioned all the main movers against him.

Senator John Paul Phelan, one of the younger intake in the Bruton camp, made his choice because he couldn’t find anyone in Carlow/Kilkenny who wanted Enda as leader. “John Paul, I’m astounded that you couldn’t find one person who could support me. I’ll be down at your selection convention on Thursday night and I’ll find somebody for you.”

Simon Coveney spoke of loyalty and integrity and told the leader “this is not about rewarding past successes”.

As for Leo Varadkar, Enda was scathing. “Leo, I’m sorry. I cannot have a situation where you go on television and offer me the job of foreign affairs minister.”

If they ever film a life of Inda . . .

Last Saturday afternoon RTÉ’s Nuacht broadcast further details of our opinion poll, illustrating the item with photographs of Brian Cowen and Enda Kenny.

A number of movie anoraks have been in touch to point out that while the picture of the Fine Gael leader looked remarkably like Enda Kenny, it was, in fact, a photo of American actor Victor Garber. The character actor has been a Broadway stalwart for over two decades, and is currently working on a sequel to the movie Kung Fu Panda. Coincidentally, the Fine Gael leader starred in a special production of his own during the week – Kung Fu Inda.Garber appeared in Legally Blonde. Inda is legally blond. Uncanny. Victor Garber played a role in Titanic. Enda Kenny plays a role in Fine Gael. Uncanny.

Which is more than you can say for our photograph last week of Mayo Senator Paddy Burke, which showed Enda’s trusty sidekick sporting a big black beard and wearing a chain of office. We’d mixed him up with a councillor from Artane.

Paddy was deeply involved in Kenny’s fightback against the Green Isle Nine. After his man carried the day, Burke came over all philosophical:

– “So what’s the story, Paddy?”

– “Experience keeps a dear school and fools will know no other.”

– “Oh, right so. How did yis get Enda over the line?”

– “The fish that opens his mouth is the one that gets caught.”

Delirious.

A quiet word with Mara?

No offence to the Fine Gael backroom staff, but there was much speculation around Leinster House that Inda had drafted in some heavyweight advisers to help him rout the Keystone Conspirators. When his strategy was discussed, one word kept surfacing: “Haugheyesque.”

Suddenly, the name of a certain PJ Mara, veteran of those vicious Haughey heaves, was in the frame. But surely not, given that PJ wouldn’t be caught dead helping out a Blueshirt? Then it was pointed out that Enda Kenny is married to Fionnuala O’Kelly, queen of the FF press office in Haughey’s time. Did she have a quiet word with her friend and former colleague when the battle plan was being drawn up? Much as he would love to claim some of the credit, PJ pleads not guilty. “I was down in Samoa on business for most of the week, and the first I heard of the Fine Gael story was when I got a phone call in Singapore. Unfortunately, I can’t claim any credit. But from my reading of what happened, Enda and Phil Hogan played an absolute blinder,” says Mara.

Valerie has ways of making you talk

Nothing much escapes Pat Kenny show reporter Valerie Cox, who got wind of Tuesday morning’s secret meeting of the Bruton rebels in the Green Isle Hotel and regaled listeners with tales of their cloak and dagger antics.

Cox was sure that Billy Timmons was among the conspirators. She rang his mobile phone repeatedly, but Billy didn’t return her calls. Eventually, Valerie lost patience. She left a message: “Billy, if you don’t call me back I’m going to ring your mother.” He was on the line to her within a minute.